I'm doing it again. Or still, I suppose. I'm not playing games. It bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Actually, right now, I'm struggling hard with it. I can feel myself wanting to cry over it. I can feel a full blown panic attack coming on tonight over it. And there's nothing that I can do about that. I just have to let it happen, and that sucks. My heart rate is up, my heart is beating harder. I'm all scatterbrained. My breathing is all messed up. I'm in panic attack mode. This sucks.
The worst part, is that I don't even have anti-anxiety meds. Not that I really mention that I need them, but I mean, it's been well diagnosed that I have an anxiety disorder. You'd think that would be a good indication that I need help in that regard, but I don't think my clinician is very good at her job. Not much I can really do about that, either.
Anyways, back to this gaming thing. I know that I've talked about it before, but I've still not figured it out. I don't know if it's depression. I don't know if it's anxiety. I don't know if it's because I don't feel like I deserve it, since I don't do much around the house. I don't know if it's an effort thing. I don't know if it's not wanting to get too involved in something. I don't know if it's just laziness. I just don't know. It could be a combination of factors. And it bothers me, like I said. I really want to play more games. I mean, I have hundreds upon hundreds of them. It would be nice to get some of them knocked out. Or maybe it would be nice to knock myself out. Something like that, at any rate. It's not like I don't still love games, and it's not like I don't want to play them. I just...there's something that blocks me from doing that most times. I just wish I knew what that was. Okay, I know that sometimes there's a cat in my lap, which makes it harder, but I could use the controller during those times. I mean, a lot of games have controller compatibility. There's also the 3DS. I want to spend more time with the Pokemon TCG, and maybe start Pokemon Blue at some point.
There's other stuff that I want to do as well. Like multiplayer games. Cable and I don't do much of that. His work schedule makes that hard sometimes. He also says he's not good at games, so there's a lot of games that he doesn't want to play. Of course, there's a lot of games that we don't both have copies of, so that kinda limits things a bit. I also want to work on some of the TCG's that we have. I have a lot of various games, not to mention a lot of Magic: The Gathering cards and a metric fuckton of Pokemon cards. We also have some board games that need cracked open. Like, the Warcraft board game, the Doom board game, and the World Of Warcraft board game. Those are the ones we really want to get into at some point. Also, I want to pick up a copy of Mage Knight someday. I suppose I would end up with the expansions for that at some point as well, but one step at a time, of course. Hell, I'm sure there are other board games that I would like to play, too.
Now if only I could get myself to do some of this stuff. Hell, some of this stuff could be done in single player, I would just have to do it. I wish I knew why all this was so hard.
It's starting to get late. Well, not too late for me. There's still about an hour and a half until I go to bed, and I don't know what I'm going to spend the evening doing. I would like to do some game playing, of course, but I don't know if I'm even physically up for it right now. And at any rate, I'm not sure what I would want to play. I don't know if I would want to get into something kinda big, like Grim Dawn. Maybe I'll find something smaller to play, if I play anything, that is. I haven't figured that one out yet. Hell, I am feeling a bit worn out, but panic attacks will tend to do that. I could even lay down in bed, and play with the 3DS for a bit. It's an idea.
Well, I think I'm done for now. I'm going to go try and calm down, though I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet.
Or more like, a failure to know what the hell I'm doing. Or to know my games, or something like that.
It turns out that there will be no Doom 3 before Doom comes out. It seems that Doom 3 is quite a bit longer than I remember it being, and that's no good. I don't think there was even enough time to have done it if I had started right after I got all the FO4 videos posted. So, Doom 3 will be on hold for now.
I am looking forward to Doom. I hope they didn't screw it up too badly. I suppose that remains to be seen, since I didn't look at any of the single player stuff floating around the web. It will be interesting to see how SnapMap works, too, and what kind of stuff that you can make with it. I hope there's a good community that springs up. Well, if the game is good I hope that. If it's not so good, then I won't care a whole lot.
Anyways, there hasn't been too much else going on in the past couple days. I've been thinking about doing a bunch of gaming, I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I really hate the way that I keep pushing it off by doing this or that or the other thing. Of course, it didn't help that WWE Payback was last night. It wasn't too bad of a show overall, but it kept me occupied and not gaming for a few hours. Not that I really mind.
In other news, one of the wheels on the truck is squeaking. I have a feeling it's probably the bearings, but I don't know for sure. Cable is going to take the tire off and see if he can figure anything out, but I have a feeling that we're going to have to take it in and get it fixed. Not my idea of a good time, but what can you do? Unfortunately, we don't really have the money to pay for that, but I guess we're going to have to come up with it somehow.
Besides that, I don't have anything really interesting to say right now. I don't know if that's good or bad. I suppose it depends on your point of view. Hehe. So, I suppose I'll sign off at this point. Maybe something interesting will come up later today.
So, I still haven't recorded that first video for Doom 3 yet. I plan on doing that tomorrow. I was going to get my drink on and then record, but I never really got a good buzz going, and then I got distracted by the internet. I suppose things could be worse, though I could have used that buzz. Tomorrow is a pretty good candidate for recording. I'll probably even do more than one video. We will see, however.
Really, I don't have much to talk about tonight. It's been a pretty quiet day, and I haven't done all that much.
Maybe tomorrow will be a more productive and more talkative day. We can only hope at this point.
Or something. Anyways, today has been pretty good, though I haven't done a whole lot, at least so far. I did play Grim Dawn for a couple hours, though. I really like that game so far. I have a long ways to go still, but I did get some good work in today. I would love to play multiplayer sometime. Of course, that means I'll have to either get it for Cable or find someone that has it. Heh. Well, one step at a time I suppose. I'm still working my way through learning the game. Not that it's too difficult, really, though I'm not quite sure about my build right now. I suppose that if I can get through the game, I'll know more. Like I said the other day, it's a bit Titan Quest-y, and I liked that, too.
I'm thinking about re-arranging the games that are on my hard drive again. I mean, I have a ton of them installed, and it's not like I'm playing more than a couple at a time anyways. I'm thinking about putting all my Diablo-likes on the hard drive. That's quite a few games nowadays. They don't all have to be fantasy, though I think that's what almost all of the ones I have are. I say that because there are a few games that are Action RPG's that aren't all sword and spells and stuff like that. Of course, I don't know that I would install those, if I have them. I think I have one that's more sci-fi than fantasy, and I may go ahead and include that. I will have to think about that some. Not that I have to do it all at once. And yes, I am including the Diablo games in that. Well, 2 and 3, at least, since the original doesn't work any more. Well, not on this machine at least. Of course, there are a few other games that I will keep on the drive at the same time, it won't all just be ARPG's.
Now that Fallout 4 is done for now, I feel pretty good. I'm ready to start Doom 3, and I think that will probably happen in the next couple days. It will be interesting times, since I'm not as familiar with 3 as I am with Ultimate and Doom 2. Not by a longshot. I have gone through it a few times over the years, though, so I kinda know what to expect. I'm not sure if that's better or not. Of course, I won't really know anything about Doom when it comes out. There have been a couple single player showoff streams, but I have been staying away from those. I kinda just want to go in fresh and see what we can see. Good times.
Something else that will be going on, is that I plan on doing some work on the website again. I'm not sure I like how it's laid out right now. I mean, it's okay, but I think I could consolidate a little bit. Plus, I may change the theme of the site. That would probably be a little easier if I knew how to make them, but I have no experience building a Joomla theme. I suppose I could just modify the one I have now, but since the people that built it were Portuguese, I think, all the documentation on it is in Portuguese. Not too helpful for me. I can probably find a tutorial online somewhere to help me out, though. Of course, I could also just plain find a theme to use online, like I did with this one, but this one was the only one that I found that was actually game themed. We'll see what we can see on that end, though.
After all this other stuff, I really don't have a whole lot else to add right now. I've covered a good bit, and I feel it's time to do some exploring around the net. And then after that, a little bit of gaming before bed sounds good.
Today has been kinda a lazy day for me. I haven't done all that much, not even with vidya games. I did do some game re-arranging, and got some more Diablo-likes on the ol' puter, but there are more that I haven't put on yet. Mostly sequals. I figure I can swap between games of the same series, for some of them, at least. I have some complete series on here, as well. Plus one half series. It's kinda weird how I pick games.
Anyways, not much has gone on today. A little bit of downloading from Steam, and not much else. I did set up one of my old laptops today, though. I was almost surprised that it still worked. I was definitely surprised when I saw that it had Windows XP on it. I kinda figured that it would have 98. I was amazed, and I suppose it's not a bad thing, though it might be a little faster if it had 98 on it. Not that I really need it to be fast, I just need it to work. The only problem is that I don't have a real mouse for it. I have the nubby mouse thingy in the center of the keyboard, and there's also a touchpad. I don't know how well the nub might work for Diablo, but I guess I will find out. Of course, I'm sure there's a mouse somewhere that I can put on it. I haven't checked to see if it has USB ports or not yet. I honestly don't remember.
So, for the rest of the evening, I'm not entirely sure what I might do. I have a little more game swapping that I want to do. Besides that, I'm not overly sure right now. I may play Grim Dawn for a bit, or I may see how Diablo controls. Or hell, I may just hang around and watch some wrestling. Some of it depends on what Cable wants to do. He's been playing Lego Rock Band off and on for the past week, and the PS3 is connected to my top monitor, so if he wants to do that, no wrestling. Not that I would have a problem with that. I can watch all the wrestling I want the rest of the time. Heh. We shall see what the night brings.
Nothing much else to report on right now. I may record the first episode of Doom 3 tomorrow, so you might want to keep an eye out for that. It's coming.
Can you believe we're almost a third of the way through the year already? Seems like crazy talk, but I know it's not. I haven't done nearly as much posting as I would like. Here or on YouTube. I should work on that. I know I say that a lot, but maybe one day it will stick.
You might have noticed that the ol' channel has been quiet the past few days, even though Automatron isn't quite done yet. There's a good reason for that. Well, a reason, at any rate. As you've probably noticed, I tend to post videos before bed. Well, the last few days have not been the best, so I've mostly been going to bed early. You would think that might mean early videos, but this mostly means that there is no video, because I kinda forget about it. I've forgotten my meds a couple times, too, just because I'm not used to doing that stuff so early. I will get these last two videos out, though. I may even release them both tonight. Then after that, it will be on to Doom 3. Then Doom and Far Harbor. After that, though, I'm not sure for multiple reasons. Not sure if I really want to get into that right now or not, though. I'm sure I will before too long.
Not much else going on in the land of dreams...or here. Or whatever. I haven't gotten much game playing in, but I plan on changing that tonight at some point. Not sure what, though. Maybe I'll play some Grim Dawn for a bit. Or maybe I'll try out Dying Light. Or maybe I'll check out the new Doom level John Romero made. Maybe I'll do more than one! Maybe I'll do something else entirely! Who knows?!
And now, I'm off to go do that thing...or maybe just sit here reading the internet. Or both.