I taught you how to feel, how to love again.
Why did you throw me away?
I taught you how to feel, how to love again.
Why did you throw me away?
But not me, unfortunately.
I debated long and hard about whether to post this or not.
I ended up not streaming tonight. Certain things conspired to keep me from doing that tonight. I suppose I could stream right now, but that’s not what my schedule is.
Of course, the schedule might be changing soon, anyways.
But that’s not really what I’m aiming at here.
I told myself that I couldn’t let this happen, that I wouldn’t let this happen, but frustration is mounting.
My streams aren’t being watched. I would say that it’s because the games are kinda old, but I noticed one person the other day was streaming Diablo, the first one, and had well over 500 viewers.
At my best, I’ve had one, and that was just Auren watching a little bit of one of my Plutonia Experiment streams. Besides that tiny little bit, no one is watching.
No one is watching my YouTube videos, either. When I checked the Dashboard earlier today, I had 5 views, but only one minute of view time total. It’s not actual people watching, it’s bots. And only so they can post a comment linking to some page or another. I don’t check them, and I have no reason to.
I know it takes time to build up an audience, but I would expect that by this point at least someone would be watching. But that would be wrong.
I’m not saying that I won’t finish streaming Diablo II, because I will. I just don’t know what comes next.
I’d like to think that I can keep going. That if I just do it long enough, that people will come. I’d like to think that, but I know too much about reality.
I’m a loser. I pretty much always have been. I’ve had my moments, but by and large, things just don’t break my way.
I have to admit, that it takes about everything I have just to stream. Because of my mental problems. I try really hard to put myself out there, even though it scares the hell out of me. And it works for now, because I know no one is watching.
That’s not what I want, though. I want people to watch. I want to play games for people. I want to bring joy to someone’s life, but that’s not happening.
I’m frustrated by it. I don’t play games that get highlighted on Twitch’s pages. Of course, I did a YouTube series on Fallout 4 when it came out, but still, no one watched. Part of that is the fact that popular Tubers and streamers got the game a little early, so they got a jumpstart on regular shmoes like me. I was already behind the 8-ball on fucking launch day. I even made sure to record and upload the video as soon as the release happened. But I was already behind. And no one watched.
I don’t know how long I can keep up streaming with no one watching. Technically, it could be indefinitely, but I don’t know that I’m built for that. I don’t know that I can keep going in the face of complete indifference.
I looked so forward to being able to stream once I finally got my headset problems taken care of. But now, with zero viewers, I don’t know how randy I feel about continuing.
I can’t be the only one struggling with this. There have to be others out there that are also not getting views, but I don’t know who they are.
At one point, I thought that even the worst YouTube videos would get at least a few views. I know now that that’s not true. I have lots of videos that have no views. I also know that the most puerile and juvenile videos get more views than me.
I don’t know what to do next. I tried so hard to not let this get to me, but it’s getting to me. I’ve seen garbage people get millions of views on YouTube. I’ve seen garbage people get tons of viewers on Twitch. I don’t have some quirky, garbage personality. I don’t have a niche, and I’m not female. All these things work against me.
I’ve seen people go from zero views to hundreds overnight. But I’m never going to do anything interesting enough in a game to get highlighted by Kotaku.
I want to keep doing this, but every stream that has no viewers, every YouTube video that has no one watching, pushes me closer and closer to just giving up. I don’t know how much more I can take.
I suppose that’s all I have to say right now. I’m heartbroken and frustrated. And it isn’t getting better.
But just a bit.
So, I kinda slept better last night. Still took me a while to fall asleep, though. Still not my idea of a good time.
I’m thinking today may be a good day to stream, so keep an eye on Twitter. I’ll have to figure out something to eat beforehand, but I should be able to do that. I think.
Not much to talk about today, really. I didn’t really play anything yesterday. I thought about it, but I just didn’t do it.
Oh well, I suppose I shall end this here, since I am out of things to say.
I didn’t sleep well again last night. This is getting to be a theme and I don’t like it.
On the bright side, I found a way to fix my quest marker in Fallout 3. Apparently, it’s been a problem for quite some time, even before Windows 10. It actually involved turning off the quest marker in an .ini file, and then going into the game, going out, and turning it back on.
I didn’t think that made much sense, but it worked like a champ. I was rather excited about that. I spent a good bit of time playing Fallout 3 yesterday. I’m actually getting close to the end of the main questline. I haven’t done much of the sidequests, and I haven’t done any of the DLC. Not sure if I will or not. I suppose we shall see.
I also need to find some Power Armor. I didn’t pick any up from the few places that I could have. I guess that was a mistake. I have Power Armor training now, but no armor. I’ll have to work on that at some point.
I am not sure if I’m going to be playing more Fallout 3 tonight. I might. We’ll have to see how the evening goes.
I guess I don’t have much else to say right now. As usual. I guess it’s time to wrap it up, then.
Though I try to make it as little as possible.
It’s another wonderful day. Okay, not really. I slept on and off again last night. And also, my back hurts, but I don’t know why. I suppose that it will get better later, but I’m not positive about that.
I need to make better posts around here. Sometimes I think of things that maybe should be posted, but I never think to do that. I guess I’m bad at this. I will try harder to come up with more valuable content.
So, besides Diablo II, I have been playing Fallout 3, though it doesn’t work perfectly on Window 10. The biggest problem, though, is that the quest marker just doesn’t work sometimes. It’s not so bad in the overworld, but down in the metro tunnels, it’s kinda killer.
That’s where I stopped last night, down in the metro. I’m pretty flummoxed by the whole thing. I wish I knew why that didn’t work. Maybe I should try looking it up.
The other main thing that’s broken is conversations. Sometimes the caption won’t update when an NPC moves on to another line. It doesn’t happen always, just sometimes. Also, it will sometimes display the dialog options for the player wrong, with one line being blank, and two lines on top of each other. On the bright side, I can fix this by just mousing over the options. When it hits the blank line, it displays properly again.
Also, I had to install the Games For Windows Live client, even though that service is long gone. It just wouldn’t start Fallout 3 without it. I’m not even sure why it’s necessary, since FO3 is a single player game with no online options.
Kinda makes me wonder how Fallout: New Vegas would work under Windows 10. I suppose we shall see at some point. I mean, it’s bound to happen that I play it again. Although, if I do, I don’t see it overtaking Fallout 4 for the top spot of my most played games in Steam.
I think that’s about all I have right now. I can’t really think of anything else, at least. I guess that means it’s time…to wrap things up. Ha. I changed it up there.
It was a pretty good stream, although I got surrounded in the catherdral and died. On the bright side, it’s not a back breaking problem, and we even went on to finish out Act I. We’re into Act II now, and it’s a good time.
I’m not looking forward to Act III, though. I hate that act. But that’s probably a couple more streams away for now.
Well, I don’t have much else to say right now, so I will give you this instead.
I slept last night, but not until like 10:30, so I ended up waking up pretty late. I am not well pleased.
I actually played another game yesterday. It was a few hours after the stream, but I fired up Fallout 3 for a little bit. It’s not running perfectly, but it does a good enough job.
And speaking of the stream, I believe we shall be streaming again tonight. At the usual time, of course. Twitter will have the inside info. We should be able to get to Act II tonight.
I suppose that’s about all I have right now, so it is time for me to wander off.
We had a good stream tonight. Rescued Cain, killed the Countess, and made it all they way to the Inner Cloister waypoint. And not a death in sight, though it got close a couple times.
So, it was a good time. I’m still too quiet at times. I think some of that is because I have no chat to talk to. I’m not sure of that, though. I need to work on that.
I suppose that’s all I have for now, except for this:
That’s all I have for a title today.
I actually slept pretty good last night, and I wasn’t even drinking. I suppose that’s a good sign. Maybe I’ll actually sleep again tonight. That would be nice.
So, I’m thinking it’s a streaming kinda day. It will be at the usual time, so keep an eye on Twitter. More Diablo II is coming.
I really don’t have a whole lot else to say right now. I’m not sure what else I am going to be doing today. I really haven’t done much so far.
I suppose since I don’t have much else to say, it’s time to wander. I need to find some food, I’m a little hungry.
For sleeping, that is.
I actually slept pretty good last night, though I think that was due to the alcohol. I’ll take what I can get, though.
I haven’t really done anything exciting, and since it’s the weekend, most websites I visit don’t really update much. But I say that most weekends.
Not sure what I’ll be doing this evening. Maybe I’ll play a game. I didn’t yesterday, but I was working on the drunk thing. The sad part is I didn’t really get that drunk.
Really, I don’t have too much to say right now, but I thought I’d update anyways. And now that I have…you know what comes next.