It Be Monday Night!

It surely is.

8:58pm

So, by and large, the weekend sucked pretty hard. It’s over now, at least, which is something.

Finally got around to some Fallout 4 stuff. I do have it set up so that I can do a playthrough with Horizon, if I want. I’m kinda afraid of it, but maybe having my spirits crushed in Fallout isn’t a bad thing. I mean, I’m pretty fluff right now, even if I am playing on Survival.

And today, I finally did what I’ve been wanting to do for a while now, and checked out those new Creation Club quests that I haven’t touched yet. Well, now I have. Heh. I even took some screenshots, some of which made it to Twitter. It was all pretty good stuff, so that’s good. I did have Fallout 4 try to fail on me. It didn’t quite crash, but it was really struggling. I was somehow able to save and quit, though it was with much effort. I think it had a brain hemorrhage when a Vertibird decided to land in the building I was standing in. I don’t think it liked that. And then after I reloaded, Piper seemed to be able to kill stuff through the walls of another building. But it was just that one building, so it wasn’t super broken.

Now I’m considering doing another Fallout 4 playthrough and taking a ton of screenshots. Not sure if I will, but I was thinking about it. We will see, I suppose. It sounds kinda fun, though.

In Fallout 76 news, I got all the Easter Eggs from the Atomic Shop, so I got the Bunny Mascot helm. It’s just the free stuff, but it’s better than nothing:

My melee character in Fallout 76, Saradara, showing off her Easter stuff.

I guess it’s just been a Fallout kind of day today. Of course, I did the ModOrganizer stuff the other day, and I’ve had to log in to 76 six days in a row to get the eggs, but it’s still been kinda Fallout-centric today.

That’s about all I have for now. Tomorrow is maintenance day for WoW and 76, so I won’t be playing either of those for at least part of the morning. Not sure if I will at all, but we will see where the day goes. I will leave you with a Fallout 4 screenie, for your pleasure:

Karadara in a new dress that she found today while doing some Creation Club stuff.

It’s 4/20.

Not that I would know.

6:00pm

This is not a great day. I mean, it could have been. Or at least passable, but I guess that wasn’t meant to be.

I’ve basically been left alone and/or ignored all day. Not completely unusual, but it’s still not something I completely cherish.

I was gonna try and see if I could acquire a little bit or something for today. I didn’t have super high hopes, or anything like that, but I thought I might try. Of course, I never got a reply to my text, so I guess that means that’s not happening. Of course.

I found a little bit of extra vape juice recently, and I was a little bit excited about that. Of course, because today…my vape died. I knew it was getting close, but it’s done for now. And it’s still mostly full. So, that’s that.

And the painful lump in my armpit is back. Guess I should think about a doctors visit at some point.

At this point, I just kinda want the day to be over.

Another Day.

Which isn’t all that amazing, really.

12:10am

I’ve been thinking about writing a post for six or so hours now. I’m not even sure what I was trying to accomplish. That’s the effects of time and alcohol, I guess. Not that I’m drunk. wish I was. Probably won’t be before I head to bed, but I can dream.

It’s been a week since I declared that I was done trying to be a streamer. I have to admit, I don’t feel any better. Maybe there’s less pressure to try and get noticed now, but that space was quickly filled by sadness and guilt over giving up on something I wanted. I guess I just can’t win.

The past couple days, I’ve somehow ended up reading about a few different popular streamers. I’m not even sure how that happened. And while some of them have more entertaining personalities, it seems like there’s no specific formula. Most of them are popular basically due to blind stinking luck. These are people that make their living being a streamer. Playing video games for my job has been my dream since the very early 80’s. None of these people are as old as me, of course.

So, apparently luck is a major factor in whether or not you become a big time streamer. I suppose that explains part of my problem. I used up my luck a long time ago.

At any point in time, there are well over a million people watching streams on Twitch. You would think the odds of having at least a couple of viewers would be in your favor, at least somewhat. My personal experience, though, says otherwise. My average viewer count is well below one. Yes, one. That means that a majority of the time, I was just talking to myself.

I also found out something kind of interesting earlier. While the views are still really low, the video on my secondary YouTube account that I made of my Power Armor collection on one Fallout 4 character has more views than almost all of the videos on my primary account.

I try not to worry and think about this stuff, but sometimes it ends up popping up right in front of me anyways. And it bothers me. And it gets me to thinking…why did luck favor these people? Why does life have to keep kicking me in the face?

Tomorrow/later today, there will be someone, I don’t know who, who will stream something on Twitch for the first time. Two days later, that person will have many, MANY more people watching than I ever did. Why that is, I will have no idea.

All this is just evidence of the fact that,really, very little has gone right for me in the past…seven or so years. That sucks pretty hard.

In other news, I am apparently done vaping. There’s no more juice around, and my vape is mostly dead anyways. I knew I was going to stop at some point, and that point has been thrust upon me. I kinda wish I had some weed to get me through the first little bit. I haven’t really had any for a while. I was supposed to get some very recently, but that didn’t happen for whatever reason.

Wow, I kinda spaced out for a bit there.

Anyways, I am going to finish my drink, maybe have another one, and head off for a few hours of sleep, before I am back sitting here way too soon.

I Am Learning!

I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.

3:22pm

Of course, I’m not learning anything super important, but still.

Before that, though, it turns out I have a ton of old World Of Warcraft screenshots. Not many from the past several years, though, which is odd. Of course, there’s probably some that got lost when the laptop died, but that was a long time ago.

Anyways, after spending a day and a half with them, I have them ready for your viewing pleasure. Over on the right, you will find a section with links to the various albums of pics. Umm…if you’re on mobile, I don’t know where that stuff shows up. Towards the bottom, maybe? Guess I should figure that out at some point.

But, there’s almost 1,600 screenshots there. Quite the haul. It also made me realize I need to take more screenshots, in more than just WoW. I have a few Fallout 4 and a few Fallout 76, but not many. And a few here and there of other stuff, but again, not many. Granted, I do have two Fallout 4 playthroughs, and a partial 76 on YouTube, along with other stuff. But, since I’m not really going to be doing any recording or anything like that, taking more screenshots might be a good idea.

Also, I have been learning about the functionality of ModOrganizer 2. I’m thinking I may set up a separate profile and maybe try out the Horizon overhaul for FO4. Also, I found out that it shows the information about the save files that I had been looking for, I just didn’t know it did that. I was able to find out what character was right before the current one and I was actually able to load it up.

That character was sitting around in Hangman’s Alley at level 48. The four new quests popped up, and I started heading towards one, though I didn’t get there yet. I was wondering why I had stopped playing that character. I didn’t really look through the quest log, but about a minute later, as I was heading north, I noticed that the Institute was not there anymore. Apparently I finished off the main quest, which is why I moved on. But I can at least check out those new quests, I suppose. One of them is at the Ironworks, and it turns out I haven’t even done the original quest that’s there yet. Could be interesting.

Been doing some WoW stuff with Auren. I also added a few more mods today. Haven’t really played with them much yet, but I will get there, I’m sure.

Not sure what else is going to be going on today. I’ll probably be dicking around with game stuff more, I’m sure. Don’t know if I’ll be back on here tonight, though. We will see.

In the meantime, I will leave you with this picture of the FO4 character I was speaking of.

My character Karadara in Fallout 4 with tons of mods.

Sad Day.

All day.

4:05pm

It’s been a sad day for me. Not really for any reason in particular, it just is. I suppose it could be worse, though.

On top of the general sadness, I’m kinda sad that I gave up on Twitch/YouTube. I mean, it was a dream of mine, a small one, admittedly, but it was something. I couldn’t make it work out, though. And I was putting too much stress on myself because of it. I don’t particularly feel any less stressed right now, but maybe I need to give myself a mourning period first.

On another note, I saw a tweet from Bethesda that they were supporting more devices for Elder Scrolls: Blades now. I’m not really planning on playing it at any point, but I had a look anyways. It definitely reinforces the fact that I need to figure out some way to upgrade my phone. (Computer needs upgrades, too, at some point.) I’ll probably have to wait until I get like $700 free on my credit card to take care of the phone thing. That will probably be a while. I mean, I’m working on it, but it could be closer than it is. I have a tendency to order food once in a while with it. That does not help.

I suppose at this point, I will have to do the same thing with the computer, though I will probably need more free for that. I guess as I creep up towards that, I will have to evaluate which one needs taken care of first. Soooo…I guess maybe in 2021?

I switched a few games around yesterday. Got rid of a couple that I was either finished or weren’t going to play anymore. I added Agents Of Mayhem, The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing: Final Cut, and War for the Overworld. Those last two I’ve had installed before, and even played some of WotO, but I got stuck kinda early on. Thought I might give it a try again.

Of course, instead of playing any of those, or WoW, or 76 or something like that, I’m just kinda sitting here not doing much of anything. Still having motivation problems, I guess.

I suppose I don’t have a whole lot else right now. Think I’m going to go and have a few drinks and see if I want to fire something up. Ciao.

Five Days Already?

That’s kinda surprising.

11:17am

This used to be early, not all that long ago. And now it just means I’ve been sitting here almost four hours. Not sure if I like this schedule change or not, especially since it wasn’t voluntary. Not much I can really do about it right now, though.

So, nothing super tragic has gone on in the past few days. I suppose that’s a good thing. I did get annoyed that someone who recently left the Overwatch League is now getting seven figures to stream Paladins. That bothers me, as you might have guessed by now.

Speaking of streaming, I think I’ve finally came to a decision. I could always change my mind later, I suppose, but I think I’m going to quit trying to stream for an audience. I mean, I guess technically I really never was, but you know. I will still occasionally stream in bits and pieces for specific people, but I’m not going to do multi-hour streams where I’m sitting there talking to no one and hoping people come in.

I suppose that means that there won’t be anything going up on YouTube in the foreseeable future, either. But who knows, I may get a desire to throw something up there at some point, not that it will get watched.

For now, I will still be posting stuff up here, and I will still be tweeting. I am going to try and worry/stress less about not being seen. Not worrying about streaming will help with that. Of course, that means I gave up on something I wanted to do, but it obviously wasn’t working out. Maybe if I push the rest of this off into the corner, combined with the removed pressure of trying to stream/YouTube, my gaming mojo might come back. I can hope.

Not sure what the rest of the day is going to look like, and there’s a lot of it left. I was going to spend some time in Minecraft yesterday, but I ended up getting distracted and not doing that. Maybe I will today. Or maybe I’ll do something else. We shall see, I suppose.

For now, I will wrap this up here. Maybe I’ll find something interesting enough to wander back later today. Who knows. For now, I’m off.

Not The Best Day.

I suppose there have been worse, though.

6:07pm

I’m not in a great mood right now. Of course, it’s been like that since a few minutes after I woke up. Currently, I’m not doing a whole lot. Mostly sitting here and pondering if I should use some of my meager spare money which I recently acquired and order something for dinner, or if I should just deal with the frozen pizza that I don’t particularly want, but won’t cost $35.

The day started out in not a great fashion. A few minutes after I got up, I was in the kitchen and glanced over at the microwave. A thought occurred to me that I had maybe put the chicken fried rice in there the night before, but I couldn’t remember for sure, and I didn’t remember eating it before bed. Sure enough, I open up the microwave and there is the rice. So, I totally wasted a perfectly good food item.

Then, a little while later, I was sitting here, and went and put my left hand up the back of my shirt, because I felt an itch. Unfortunately, I felt a whole lot more than that. I have a few different kinda painful things on there right now, I think one is a zit and the other two are cysts. Anyways, I felt something a bit wet. Turns out that as I was sitting there, one of the cysts decided to open up. I pulled my hand back out, and it was covered with blood, down past my wrist, even.

It had soaked through my shirt and sweatshirt. It was running down my back. I used a whole lot of kleenex trying to contain and fix the situation. There was so much blood, though, and it didn’t want to stop. It did, eventually, but not before I thought I was going to have to call for an ambulance. I eventually got it all cleaned up, but it was a pretty big mess, and it was not a great experience.

For the mostpart, the rest of the day hasn’t been super terrible or anything, but it hasn’t exactly elevated the mood. As a side note, I found something annoying again. Apparently, there are people that have the full time job of making ASMR videos for YouTube. As in, people pay for this shit. Enough for it to be actual income. That’s garbage.

On another topic, as you may have noticed from my Twitter feed, I got the silly idea of resubbing to World Of Warcraft, at least for a month. I thought it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, since that’s the only game I’ve actually gotten myself to play in the past few months. I suppose I should be playing more, but I haven’t been on at all today. Maybe later, I will, though. It’s either that, or I was thinking about wandering around this elaborately designed Minecraft world. I did that a tiny bit a couple days ago, but I was mostly trying to figure out the controls.

Of course, I may decide to try the Fallout 4 thing again. I am so sure that there’s a character that shouldn’t have a bunch of missing mods when I try to load it. Plus, I still have new stuff to do in Fallout 76, though that’s probably the least likely of the options right now. Maybe.

There’s nothing stopping me from doing more than one of these things, obviously. And that may be the route that I ultimately take. Being indecisive makes this harder than it needs to be, compounded on top of whatever keeps me from firing things up most of the time. I think I’m slowly working my way out of it, though.

But first, I gotta answer that dinner question. The answer is probably sadness, but oh well. I don’t think I have anything else to share right now, so I will go back to kinda thinking about food and watching my Twitter feed for a bit.

It’s April Now!

One third of the year is gone.

9:27pm

So, as of today I have been single for six years! Isn’t that exciting? (No, it’s not.) I suppose I could reflect on that, but I don’t see any particular reason to right now.

I’m having what I guess are mini-crises. I mean, they seem big, but they’re not, really. And crises are probably not the best thing to call them, anyways. Like, I need more websites to wander to throughout the day. I have my usual six, but I could use more. I tried looking around for a while over the weekend, and couldn’t find anything I wanted to add to the rotation.

I also need to find more stuff to watch on YouTube. I used to watch more than I do now, but I don’t really remember what that was. Kinda sad, I guess. I’ve fairly well worn out what I’ve been watching, so it’s time to expand. Not quite sure how to go about that, though. Hrmm.

And I still need to get back into actually playing games. I actually tried some a little bit ago. I wanted to get into Fallout 4 and check out the Creation Club stuff that I’ve picked up lately. Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure out which character came before the one that is most recent and only has an hour in the game. The game itself isn’t super helpful, and the save game files are even less so. I eventually just loaded up the current character and ended up getting four more quests. I couldn’t really check them out, since she’s not really far enough into the game to head to those areas. I will probably try again to find the right character. I’m pretty sure that the one I’m looking for had the same set of mods, minus a few CC things. On a side note, when I start up a new character, there’s like 20 or so quests that fire off first thing. It’s crazy.

There’s other games that I want to wander into, as well. Need to get myself to do it, though. I know Sekiro won’t be one of those games. Also, not sure that the Median XL mod for Diablo 2 will be one of those, either. The 1.0 version was put out near the beginning of the year. Didn’t know that until today, though. I was reading through the site, and quite frankly, I’m afraid of the thing.

I don’t think I have much else to add right now. I should wander off and find something to keep me occupied for a bit. Not sure what that will be, but hopefully I can find something more than just watching my Twitter timeline. We shall see, I suppose.

Part Two, I Guess.

Because, why not?

9:00pm

So, I decided to try a little bit larger well this time. I hit up Google at large for mental health resources. Some were ones I already checked, and some weren’t. So, I started investigating. Went through several sites. There were a couple more ‘low cost therapists in your area’ things, which didn’t help. There were a few that were offering online services. They had both free and paid options. For all of them, the free services were just ‘talk to some person and they will listen’. Places to vent, really. That’s not something I need, that’s what I have this fucking website for. The paid options were a bit more useful, but still ultimately out of my price range.

There were also a few sites about apps that might be helpful. Of course, most of those were pretty much the same thing. There was even one site with tons of apps sorted by various things. One of the things you could search by was…I forget what they called it, but it was basically a list of your problems. I went through and selected what was most appropriate, which ended up being ‘Depression, anxeity, alcohol and substance problems.” After I did that, it came up with one app. It was iOS only, and let me tell you this, I don’t have an iPhone.

There was one site that mentioned that if you had Medicare + Medicade there were places you could get free therapy. Of course, last I knew, I didn’t qualify for Medicade. Of course, it’s been a while since I last tried, so maybe I would now. I’m not too convinced, though.

At this point, after going through all this, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to being someone who just ends up falling through the cracks. Untreated and no way to change that. Sinking further down and probably dying early. Well, earlier than I should, at least. There’s nowhere for me or someone like me to turn. It’s a shame, really.

And just to rub salt in another wound, there is an old woman who, a few years ago, started putting videos of herself playing Skyrim on YouTube. I doubt if she did much, if any, advertisement of it. It was found and posted up on Reddit. It blew up. Now she has kinda close to half a million subscribers on her channel, and is being added to Elder Scrolls VI as an NPC.

I would like to point out, if you missed it, it was someone else that posted about it on Reddit, not her. Her videos were found on YouTube, watched, and spread around. Meanwhile, myself, who has also been putting game videos on YouTube, has not been found somehow, not noticed, and definitely not being spread around. Not sure how that works.

Maybe I’m cursed. I almost wouldn’t be surprised. Anyways, I have a lot to think about right now. Where things go from here? I’m not sure. Maybe I can concentrate for a little bit and actually come up with some answers. We shall see, I suppose.

Some Insights.

Not sure if I’ll even post this.

1:35pm

For like the past two hours I’ve been wandering around the internet. I’ve been reading up on how to get more people reading blogs and tweets. I suppose I shouldn’t be super surprised, but most of it was geared towards businesses. I’m not a business, obviously, even if I am kinda trying to sell myself. (Not that way.) I went through page after page. I did find stuff that wasn’t directly business related, so that was something. After two hours, the wheels started turning a little bit. I’m not a business or a brand, I don’t really have a niche(for like professional stuff), most of my stuff is not 2000-3000 words, and some of the stuff I was already doing. Then I found a charming little statistic that says 95% of all blogs fail. So, throw in a bit of sentence 1 and a touch of sentence 2, combine it with a bit of my own special brand of crazy, bake for a few minutes, and out popped this: Basically the best thing I can do right now is take my hopes of being noticed online, drag them out back, and shoot them. Most likely, I will not be noticed here, on Twitter, on Twitch, or on YouTube at any point. Now, mind you, I’m not exactly sure what I am going to do with such information. I may continue to prattle on to the void, or I may not. I’m going to have to think on that one.

And in other soul crushing news, I was looking at a slightly old article about low-cost and occasionally free mental health/therapy resources. Checked one out, and it didn’t sound promising. Checked another thing, it was basically a searchable database of therapists providing low cost services. Ran a search, there was a grand total of one in Fort Wayne, and that was for marriage counseling. Soooo…that’s not gonna work. Found another one offering online counseling. That would be more helpful, since getting anywhere is not so easy for me. Go to the site and it basically immediately starts you off with a survey thing. I go through and answer all of them, and there’s quite a few questions there. I get to the end and it processes everything. It comes back and says that online counseling is not recommended for me, but here’s a searchbox for affordable services in your area. Plug in my zip code and it brings up a list of a few things. And the absolute fucking kicker of that is, there is only one that is listed as currently accepting patients…..and it’s fucking ParkCenter, because of course it is.

Not sure if I am done with this or not. I suppose I am going to post it for now, though.