It Comes Down To This


1:23 pm

The past couple months have seen me working hard. The reason is really simple, though.

I just want to be happy. Or even if I can’t make it that far, I want to not be sad, and hurt, and angry, and confused all the time.

But doing it alone is almost impossible, but no one seems to want to help.

I just don’t understand…I’m not the only person with mental problems in the world. I’m probably not the only person with mental problems living on this street. There’s stuff all over the web. All over are people that need help. They post blogs, and they start GoFundMe’s. You see stories on the local news about how this group or that group came together to support person XXX in their time of need. How does this happen? And why doesn’t it fucking work for me?

I have struggled with mental problems all my life. My brain formed wrong. I’ve been a part of many things…school, work, two gaming communities I was running, this site, probably other shit. I’ve gone through many crises, both real and imaginary, during all these periods. You know how many times they rallied around me to support me in my time of need?


Not fucking one.

As a matter of a fact, when I had the breakdown that triggered my abandonment of The Lost Haven, no even a single LH member tried to reach out to me. I wasn’t hard to find. Still not hard to find. Hard to care about, I guess, but not hard to find.

Funnily enough, this line of thought ended up triggering one of the most massive fights that Tammy and I had while we were together. It’s because I have a problem with some people getting special treatment and not others. Like…when he needed…basically everything, the local community got together and he ended up with a nice new house, and a nice new disabled-equipped van, and this and that…and I’m disabled, and I can barely get help from DISABILITY.

It comes down to this…I’m broken. I’m jealous. No one is handing me anything. No one is helping me. No one is trying to talk me off the ledge. And I don’t know why everyone treats me this way.

I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m lonely. I’ve been doing all this work, and the parts that need fixed the most are the parts that I have no idea how to fix.

I kinda want to go back to bed.

For now, I am going to try and eat something and then…not sure. Make a video? Maybe. Just play something? <shrug> We’ll see. /flee

Monday Morning.

It is.

10:11 am

Today is going to be a real fucking struggle. I think right now that I am at a low point for the day both mentally and physically. I hate this, but it’s not even close to the first time that I’ve had to climb this particular hill. I will say that I’m pretty fucking tired of making this trip, but I’m sure that I am going to have to do it many more times before I finally get what I really want, which is my death, and for my brain to finally shut the fuck up.

I’m feeling pretty miserable right now and I don’t know how to fix it.

Anyways, I threw the can down on the ground yesterday, so that I could start kicking that bitch down the road. Part of me is ready to grind and part of me(the annoying brain part) is telling me that this whole thing is stupid and no one will watch.

I was going to do a recording a little while ago, but I keep waffling back and forth. I’m not sure that I want the opening salvo of Illusion Asylum to be the beginning of my, what I’m sure is not going to be great (but that’s actually part of the appeal, for me), gimmick shooter series. Umm….that’s not a great description. It’s a shooter, and I have an idea, though I don’t really know what the reception will be like. (Yes I will be nonexistent, just like the reception for every other video.) I don’t want to name it until I drop the vid, though.

So, I may do that today. Not sure what else might go on, though. I have some ideas, but you know me…my brain pumps out ideas way faster than I could implement them, and many of them would require skills that, quite frankly, I absolutely do not possess and possibly never will, despite my efforts otherwise.

Otherwise, I’ve been thinking a bit about other games besides that one…and the one run that I am planning on doing is, quite frankly, the most ambitious project that I have embarked upon. Yes, even more so than the Seven Lances community. (Which a lot of people don’t know was originally a Threewave community, but then Zoid got an industry job and decided to be a fuckhead to us.) I think it’s even more ambitious than The Lost Haven. For what I want to do, the setup is crazy enough that I am actually going to have a playthrough that I work on specifically just to get set up for the run that I really want to do.

Yes, that seems intense. It will be. But will I be able to make it work? We will see. (I’ve been working on it a little bit already and actually have two Google Docs open in tabs right now just for this project.)

The next few months are going to be interesting. By the end of March, things should either be running along nicely, or I will have been broken and the Asylum will fall into disrepair as I hide myself away from the majority of the rest of the internet, and live out life watching quietly from the sidelines.

Oops…haha. I accidentally published this too soon. Oh well. I don’t have much else to add right now, mainly because I got distracted and I forget what else I was going to add.

Anyways, time to wander…I’ll be around here, of couse, and will possibly be posting again later today. We will see.

Updated office space!

It’s here!

6:36 pm

So, here’s some pictures of the updated office. Woo!

The view towards the desk from the doorway to the kitchen/dining area.
A little bit closer.
Monitors from chair showing that the small middle one actually looks better from where you’re going to view it from.
Off to the left…the laptop, and the newer consoles. Wii U, PS3, PS4, 360, and Xbone. Really, the only one of these that’s seen extensive use is the PS3 and that was 10 years ago.
While formerly residing in the living room, the entertainment center and older consoles have moved from the living room to the office.

So, that’s it, really. There’s stuff that’s not really captured by the pictures that I have. Maybe I will take more or maybe I will make a video someday. Maybe.

Anyways, that’s all for now. It’s about time for dinner, and then after that, I am going to fuck off for the rest of the day, though I am having thoughts, and have actually changed my plans once already. It’s not a bad thing, it’s more…different.

Good times ahead, please come and join me on the journey.

A Bit Of Info

Could maybe be in the FAQ?

11:00 am

So, I’m a mod guy. If I’m replaying a game more than maybe once, it’s most likely modded. I mean, yeah, I love games, and I’ve played many games more than once, but most of them haven’t been exactly the same way twice. This love affair with mods and modding and add-ons and all of that started back in the ’90s with Doom. And yes, I know Wolf3D could be modded up, too, but I didn’t really get into that until the Doom years.

That love affair is hot and heavy and still going strong today, even the Doom part, as you can tell. You would think after playing the game for 20+ years that I would finally get good at it, but I guess not. Anyways, I’ve collected tons of WADS and Dehacked patches and whatnot for Doom and Doom 2 over the years. I may have the biggest collection of D/D2 files on the planet.

I don’t know quite why it’s so fucking amazing to me, but I just can’t seem to get enough of it in any game. I suppose it’s really no surprise that my favorite games over the years have all been moddable to some extent. Let’s see….Doom/Doom 2: Moddable, Diablo 2: Moddable, Fallout: New Vegas: Moddable, Fallout 4: Moddable, World Of Warcraft: Moddable kinda, Minecraft: Fuck yes.

Even Fallout 76 has some mods, even though modding hasn’t been officially supported yet, and yes, I have a few. Just a few, though. Not like say…Fallout 4, which I have stuffed so full of shit that I don’t think the fucking game should actually function at all, but it somehow manages to pull it off still.

I suppose it’s no surprise that I fell for 2019 Minecraft really fucking hard when this is taken into consideration. Especially wonderful is the way that you can run whatever version of Minecraft that you want, so if you wanted to make a 1.12 setup with all the amazing mods for that version, it’s super easy to do.

Also, I try getting into modding from time to time, with varying degrees of success. Doom mapping: Holy shit, am I bad at it. Fallout 4 modding: I can make those bitches dance, mostly, but don’t ask for something original. Minecraft: I’m just starting to learn…like, literally, yesterday was the first time I tried to do something other than just shove a mod .jar file in the mods folder or edit a config file.

As an effect of this, though it didn’t really start off until Fallout 4, I enjoy seeing the way various isolated mods interoperate when all stuck in the same field. Unintended things can and WILL happen, sometimes with great frequency. Like with my current Minecraft setup. The way the world generated, at least in the area I am in, is really fucking bizarre, though not on the surface. The surface is fine…underground is all sorts of weird, and actually may have kept me from doing anything with at least one mod.

See, with one mod, you have to go below y10 for a particular resource. I had decided to work on it, so I worked my way down and over and around and through and down again and whatever, and ended up standing in a ‘hallway’ at y11. I broke the ground a few blocks in front of me, and the next thing to happen is a splash.

UsYr: ??????

I wander over, and yep…there’s water down there. Water? Okaaaaaaay… doesn’t look like much from here. So, I save and quit, just in case of tragedy. Load back in, and just stand there…I’m scared as hell for some reason, even though there is literally no reason to be. I finally brace myself and jump in…


There’s a huge fucking underwater ocean down here…I can’t mine water.

Sooooo….not quite sure what to do about that. I did notice in the config for the mod that you can change the range levels that the resource blocks will spawn on, so I may have to do that for the next world.

I have no idea what caused the bottom of the world to be mostly water. A mod or two, of course, but what…and how?

And I have no idea if changing the config will cause my current game to explode or not. I will tell you what, though, I am gonna find out at some point, probably. I’m considering wandering far off and trying to head down again, though I would imagine the problem would persist. I had a thought that maybe a good way to move them, but keep them a bit harder to get than the normal stuff, is to like….way change the Y range for the block. It’s like y1-y10 right now, but what if we changed it to say…y80-y90? It wouldn’t be in an impossible situation if the worldgen makes the bottom an ocean again, but it would still be kinda rare, because it would only be in taller mountains. I don’t know….experimentation is needed.

Anyways, that’s all I have for now, I think. I wanted to tell the ocean story, so I figured I’d lead with actual useful information for a change. And I wanted to make sure you knew what you were up against when you started wandering around the site and all that.

Struggling This Evening.

It happens.

8:02 pm

I will say, it feels a lot later than it is. Probably because it was one of those nights with a noted lack of sleep. I know, that’s not a shock. But things seemed fine until this afternoon. My brain decided to start freaking out about stuff again.

I wasn’t really expecting it, but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised about it, either. And it really sucks, because it’s something that I’m not sure how to change, even though I have tried multiple times.

Suffice it to say, I am not doing great right now. I am going to try and record that video, though. I don’t know how successful that might be, but I will try. I don’t expect it to be a long video, but something to keep the juices running a little bit. I’m gonna try to push through this week and get some of this stuff that I’ve been kinda working on kicked off.

Side note, I am considering making another Minecraft install for an entirely separate set of mods, which would be much smaller, and basically the exact opposite of what I’m practicing right now. It’s really fucking tempting.

Ugh. I need more me.

Well, I am going to go try and calm down and see if I can knock this video thing out. If not, I guess I will try again for tomorrow. For now, I am off.

A Long Few Days

Tiring shit.

8:24 am

So, yeah, I’ve been working hard again the past few days. And I will say, I am really glad to have a monitor that I can see again.

So, yeah, I wore myself the fuck out. Again. So, I think that between that and the new monitor time, I think that today is going to be a really good day to fuck off and do nothing. Well, almost nothing…I have to take the trash out at some point since it’s Thursday, but that’s it, really.

Well, I’m not going to do nothing, of course, but what I *am* going to do is play games. I may even have a small video later, just to not fully flake out.

I’m not sure how many different games I may play today, but I want to at least get a couple of different ones in, just to spice it up.

Also, I don’t know how much I will be paying attention to Twitter today. In addition to the game playing, my Twitter feed is on a monitor in a way different spot than it was and it’s going to take me a couple of days to adjust.

I don’t have much else for you right now, but perhaps later something will emerge to tickle the fancy. For now, I am off.

2019, Me, And The Future


4:35 pm

So…2019. It’s been a fucking year, hasn’t it?

Yes, I know it’s still the beginning of November, but I feel the need to post.

Anyways, it’s been a hell of a year. The typical highs and lows of life of course. There was the immense pain and grief of losing Danzig. I went from a full home to an empty next. My body decided it was time to fall apart and to start by bleeding randomly. I had a spaz attack and spent two weeks cleaning the main areas of the house and threw away a ton of stuff. I cut way down on the drinking. I finally admitted to myself that shit needed to change, soon, or shit was going to get bad quick and end messily. Both of my 40″ TV’s that I used for monitors died. I also admitted that part of that change was admitting that I needed help with some stuff. Like, legit help, as it turns out is necessary from time to time when you are disabled.

To that end, I’m adding things to my life as I can, Like Alexa. While partially just an experiment to fuck around with, I’m hoping that Alexa can help me out. And she can, I think. As I can, I will be adding stuff to the network, but I am really more interested in just being able to blabber my thoughts before they get away. And I’m sure there’s more.

I also worked on the wardrobe a tiny bit, as you know. I really needed to replace those sleep pants and I am really glad I found more that I like. And I got some socks today if that interests you.

I also rearranged the hell out of the office, as you know. I’m not quite done with it yet, though. I think that I will maybe have it done by the end of the weekend. It depends on how productive I really want to be. I will have pictures when it is ready, though.

And tomorrow is a big day!

That’s right! It’s because my replacement 40″ comes. It’ll be nice to have my main method of using my eyeballs to interface with my hard drive again. But that also means I can get back on track. I had mentioned that I was going to get the ball rolling when November hit, and then the monitor exploded. Anyways, the ball is going to be kicked, hard. Starting tomorrow, we kick off in earnest. Well, really, we already have some. But anyway, we’re going to deep-dive back into video making. Yes, back to my main YouTube channel!

I’ll be making videos again. I mean, more than the occasional quick show off vid. I won’t have a set schedule, at least at first. And it will be more than one game. And along with the return to video making, I will be a.) maybe actually learning how to edit a video and shit, b.) possibly rebranding the website and c.) NOT streaming. No Twitch for me this time! Now IllusWeaver, he may appear on Twitch occasionally. It depends on what I have him doing.

So, be on the lookout for more videos in the future. And I will be adding stuff here, as well, like the Fallout 76 page that I started today. And I will still be adding to the screenshot galleries, as well. And who knows what else.

I think that’s all I have to say right now. I need to go find something to drink, and I am ready to jump into a game for more than just a few minutes. So, I am going to wander off for now, and we will see where things go from here.


Not The Best Weekend

And it’s not done yet.

7:34 pm

Man. It gets dark early nowadays, but I guess that tends to happen around November.

Speaking of, I finally turned on the furnace. I tend to stubbornly wait until November before turning it on. It was only like 55 degrees in here. That would explain why I was so cold all the time. I turned it up a bit…umm..67? I think that’s it. It’s much nicer in here.

I got back on my high horse and did some re-arranging of the desk and office. Unfortunately, my main monitor did not survive the experience. So, if you’re keeping track, that’s both of my 40″ monitors dead. On the bright side, I was able to find a way to do a little replacing, but the delivery doesn’t happen until Tuesday. In the meantime, I will be doing what I was doing yesterday and today, and using this small TV I borrowed from my mom as my main, and only, monitor. Of course, I moved it when I was doing my stuff and it’s actually farther away from me now, which isn’t great.

But things are still moving forward around here. Granted, it’s not quite as fast as it was before, but my motivation isn’t as high, since I’ve gotten the majority taken care of, and the upcoming stuff can be taken a little bit at a time.

It’s going to get pretty interesting around here, though. I am working on expanding the home network, so I am going to be spending more time talking to Alexa. Amazon had the Echo Dot on sale for $8 the other day, so I went ahead and picked one up. Maybe I should have gotten another one. Oh well.

But Alexa is going to be doing more for me in the near future. I would imagine up to and including stuff that I really don’t need Alexa to do for me, but whatever.

Oh. Speaking of technology, I had the Chromebook do the most recent update last night. Once it rebooted and I logged in, I got the pleasant little message that this was the final update for this model of Chromebook. My little white friend has reached end-of-support. It was a good purchase, even if I didn’t need it at the time. It’s certainly outperformed it’s small price, as that’s a win. And, of course, it’s not broken or anything, so it will still be working for…who knows…years longer? Good purchase.

Oh! I updated the screenshot galleries the other day. I think it was just 76 and Minecraft that got added to this time.

I actually hadn’t played anything really in a couple of days when the monitor died. And it’s not quite easy to do right now, though it could be worse. I did jump on 76 for a while this afternoon. Got a new CAMP, again. Again. If you saw Twitter, you know that my new camp, spawned me in a bad spot. I feel really lame because right now ti’s in the ‘CAMP by Watoga Station’ position. Talk about unoriginal.

Then I wandered off and did some daily quests. Got a fair few of them done. Even did one I hadn’t done before. Thought about trying a couple of events, but I’m pretty sure I can’t do that stuff alone. I know there are people that CAN, so I should be able to, right? I mean, it’s mostly a matter of gear, I would think. Maybe I should hit up YouTube.

I think that at this point, the rest of the night is going to mainly be WWE Network and dicking around in Minecraft. I may switch games, though, I haven’t decided yet. Tomorrow will be interesting. Some stuff is coming, though not what I really want. I will let you know how things go.

The next 48 should be pretty interesting. Join me on this journey and let’s see where we end up.

I always feel like…..somebody’s watching meeeeee…..

Time For An Update.

It’s been a week, after all.


So…for the most part, the past several days have not been great. Either I’ve been awake for days at a time, or I have been sleeping for days at a time. At least sleep is involved, I suppose, so that’s good. Kinda.

It’s Halloween. Blah to that.

Anyways, that means that tomorrow is the first of the month. I’m not entirely sure if that is good or bad, but it’s here. I plan on starting at least one thing tomorrow. I’m not quite sure what that will be, but I have a little while to figure that out, I suppose.

In other news, I was blessed with a different idea for one of my projects, so I am working on bringing that one together. It might be interesting. Of course, it might not be, but we will see.

<sigh> I know I had more to say a few minutes ago. Of course, those thoughts are now long gone.

I’m not quite sure what the rest of the evening is going to bring yet, but I imagine it will be…something, for sure. Ciao for now.

It’s Thursday Morning!

But not by a whole lot.

12:40 am

I was productive today. Well, on the computer I was, at least. Now, I did do a couple small things around the house, but not a whole lot.

Of course, you probably know the big news for today already. Private Worlds came out for Fallout 76 today. Of course, that came along with a fee, because of course it did.

As I was typing that, I noticed someone mention on Twitter that the entrance to Vault 79 has been revealed. AND…it 100% explains why my CAMP got removed, because it was literally right there. Of course, that doesn’t explain why the keypad on the wall is active and has a working combination. Granted, it’s ‘000000’, but it works. I didn’t hit the button after that, though. Probably doesn’t do anything, but I wasn’t wanting to possibly risk my account to find out.

The hidden entrance to Vault 79 is right there. Right behind where I am standing, and down one set of rocks is where my CAMP was before they wrecked it.

So, there’s that. And we’re all set up with our server. Well…’our server’…more like ‘an instance.’ But there’s not wrong with that. Now we need modding available. I’m really looking forward to that.

Now, that little bit of 76 wasn’t the only thing I did today. I also did a good bit of work on one of my projects. Got a fair ways to go, but a good foundation has been laid.


Okay, I want to post more, but I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping much again. Hopefully, I will get some sleep instead of just laying there being angry because I am not sleeping. I mean…there’s got to be SOMETHING that’s going to help me sleep. I haven’t come across it yet, but it must exist.

Well, I should be back at some point tomorrow. For now…I will try to sleep.