The Wednesday Of Truth.

Or maybe it’s the Wednesday of lies. It seems to be the Wednesday of illness.

It’s right around 1:30pm now, and I have been awake for far too long. About 25 1/2 hours so far right now. It was not a good night. I tried for hours and hours to go to sleep, and just couldn’t. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I had two days of decent sleep, so now I won’t be able to sleep right for a while again.

And I seem to still be sick. Or at least as far as I can tell. I haven’t eaten anything yet today. Not sure if I will before dinner. I keep getting hot and then cold, though the thermometer says I don’t have a fever. Actually, it says my body is a few points below normal. How that could be, I don’t know. I certainly don’t feel that way. If I did, I would imagine I would just feel hot, or hotter. Maybe not, I don’t know. I know my hands are constantly getting sweaty like yesterday. I don’t really feel bad, but I’m frigging cold.

I suppose I’ll figure it out sooner or later. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll just collapse in a heap later. Probably not, though. I’d go lay down in bed if I thought that would do something. I suppose maybe being under the comforter would warm me up. Maybe. Or it could just start the sweating.

On the bright side, I’m less psychotic today. Still have a good bit of anxeity, but nothing nearly as bad as yesterday. Definitely. Though if I do have a fever, it’s possible that it could happen again.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do today. I may go lay in bed for a while and see if that warms me up. If I do that, I won’t have much to play. Just a few games on my phone. And I’d have the Chromebook for any surfing that I might not want to do on the phone. Not that I do that much. I’d watch the WWE Network on that if it worked. But my phone will do.

I could also bring the comforter in here. I’ve done that before. I suppose it depends on the scenery I want. I’ll figure it out eventually. I would like to play something today, but I don’t know if I’m actually physically capable today. My hands keep getting sweaty. I’ve got chills, which don’t keep my hands nice and steady, let me tell you that. I’d think about drinking some coffee, but I did that yesterday, and I was either too hot from that, or too cold from not drinking it.

I think I’m about done for now. I’ll probably be back. I mean, I usually am nowadays, unless I just totally miss a day, mostly. Gonna go try and warm up now.

Adrift And Slowly Sinking

I’ve been lost for a long time. Not physically, of course. I know exactly where I am. I just don’t know what I am, or who I am, or what I want, or even what I need, really.

I’ve told the story of my mental decline before. I suppose I don’t need to rehash that. But, for a long time, I’ve been adrift. Mostly by myself. Wanting to do stuff and not finding the energy or motivation. Wanting the pain to go away, but it never does.

The drugs and alcohol work for a little while, but that fades, of course. The medications don’t seem to be doing anything. I can’t afford newer, possibly better medication. I can’t afford therapy. Not real therapy, at least. I could get the ‘occasional 1/2 hour’ special from ParkCenter, but I can’t even get through what’s in my head at that point in a half an hour, much less get any sort of therapy that would be beneficial. But I’ve talked about that before, too.

But I’m lost, and I feel like I’m getting more lost all the time. The bills are piling up a bit. We keep having to put money into the truck. I couldn’t even get anything today. Not even a bottle, but that’s probably for the best. At least, the bottle part.

You see, I got a LOT more stressed and anxious and freaked out today. So much so that I made myself sick. Or maybe I was already sick? That’s possible, but I didn’t feel bad today, at least not until I had four bites of dinner and a couple minutes later was running to the bathroom to throw up. Then I didn’t feel too good. Though for the most part that subsided. I feel okay now. Well, physically.

Mentally, I’m still a wreck. I suppose that’s not a surprise, that’s pretty much my default state. I ended up not doing what I wanted to today, unless I really wanted to cry and throw up, but I don’t remember wanting either of those. It was a really bad day. I almost ended everything today, but as you can tell, I didn’t.

You know, I kinda feel like I complain about the same few things all the time. And you probably think that I must not have too much to worry about. The problem is pretty much the exact opposite. I fucking worry about everything. I worry about shit that has very slim chances of happening. Of course, I also worry about shit that has a 100% chance of happening, and there’s no way around it.

I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to have a malfunctioning brain. I didn’t ask to have my brain continue to deteriorate. I didn’t ask to be poor on disability.  I didn’t ask to be a worthless pile of garbage. But all these things are true anyways.

I never did play anything today, and at this point, I probably won’t. The rest of the night is probably just going to be wrestling. At least for a little bit. Thinking about going and laying down now. Just bust out the phone and the WWE app, and.


Do nothing.

Like usual.

Because I suck.

A Ghost With No Toast.

Maybe I should start titling these with less random things. It would probably be better for the Twitter post that goes up when I post. Not that it would really matter, but it might someday.

It’s 1pm right now. I’ve been up for about an hour, and to be quite honest, I want to go crawl into bed and hide for a few days. Just being hidden in the house isn’t enough. I don’t know why. It’s not like it’s been a bad hour, and I slept last night, so it’s not like I’m horribly tired. I am a little, though. But I don’t have a good reason really, to want to go hide, except for the fact that I do.

I probably won’t, though. I’ll probably just sit here in the office like I do most every other day. What will I do today? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll play something for a while. I’m pretty positive that I won’t be doing what I really want to, but that happens once in a while.

Okay, now that I’ve written that paragraph about bed, I’ve been yawning constantly. Which is only like four of them, but still. I was fine before that. Maybe just thinking about bed made me more tired? I don’t know. Maybe it’s some psychological thing, and once I stop thinking about it, I’ll be fine again.

I did end up going and laying down early last night. I watched wrestling for a little while, then turned that off, rolled over, and fell asleep. Then I woke up somewhere between 5:30am and 6 to find two cats in my bed. And both in spots where it was difficult to rearrange myself. But after a few minutes, I found a good position and fell back asleep.

Hrmm. Maybe something is wrong with me after all. I keep having problems typing today, and that’s not something that generally happens. Of course, it could just be that I have the keyboard at a weird angle, but it’s not really in any different position that it is usually. I do know that it’s a bad sign when I can’t type right.

Maybe I should wrap up here for now. I don’t have much else to add right now. It’s been quiet so far today. I’ve just been mostly reading the news and now posting this.

You know, with as much as I check the news and gaming sites that I go to, I don’t really ever comment on what I’m reading. I’m not sure why, really. I mean, there have been things that I’ve had comments on, just not really ever said them. At least part of the time, it’s because I read it quite a bit before I got around to posting, and it’s filtered back out of my head.

Danzig is sitting on my mousepad right now, staring at me. That means he wants to sit in my lap. Guess I should finish this up. Of course, worst case is that he wanders off for a little bit. Anyways, I have nothing else right now, so I will wander.

A Post For The Toast

Or a post about eating toast?

No, that’s not it. I didn’t post yesterday. I didn’t do too much at all yesterday. I would have posted last night, but I ended up laying down early and falling asleep.

I’m thinking about going to bed early tonight, too. I don’t know that I am going to do any game playing tonight, so maybe I’ll go lay in the bed and watch wrestling for a while. It’s an idea, at least, and I’m already kinda tired. I don’t know, we’ll see.

Not a whole lot went on today, either. I mostly just kinda sat. And I did a few small things, but nothing important. I will say that Cable and I played Grim Dawn for a while tonight. That was pretty good.

I don’t know that I have much else to talk about right now. Maybe if I’m still up later, I’ll turn on the Chromebook. We will see.

A Mid-Winters Day Posting

Let’s get all classic up in this bitch.

Anyways, I never did find something to play last night. Of course, I didn’t work too hard looking. I installed a couple apps that I hadn’t installed yet, but that and watch wrestling were about the only things I did last night.

I even went to bed a bit early, because I was pretty tired. I went to sleep really quick, but only slept for like four hours. Not a great time. I’ve been up way too long for it to be before 4pm still. I assume that means that I will be pretty tired tonight by bedtime. Not that being tired ever really helps, but maybe.

Not sure what I’m going to do for the rest of the day. I’ll keep an eye on football this weekend. I’ll probably find a game to play for a little bit. Well, I assume I will. That doesn’t mean that I will. But it would be nice to get some gaming in today. I mean, there’s not much else going on today, which is good, so I might as well.

I’ll tell ya, it’s cold around here. Well, in the garage it is, but I suppose inside isn’t too bad. I mean, it’s a little chilly, even though I don’t think it should be. I had to make some coffee to warm up today, and I don’t even drink coffee 99% of the time. Because it’s gross.

Anyways, I haven’t got much else to talk about right now. Maybe later will be a good time, or something like that. I still need to use Twitter more. Or maybe I need to come up with more things to put on Twitter? I don’t know. I know that I’m not terribly talkative on there unless I’m drunk.

For now, I will wander away. Well, I guess technically I’ll still be sitting in the same spot, but I won’t be on the site, I guess. You probably knew what I meant. I’ll be back at some point.

It’s Time For A Fancy Party!

Okay, probably not, but I wanted something interesting in the title.

Anyways, it was a while after I posted before I finally got to sleep last night/this morning. And then I only got a couple hours of sleep anyways. Not my idea of a great time.

So, I’ve been playing Fallout 4 off and on today and yesterday. No extended session. Kinda jump in for a little bit, do some and wander off again.

I also tried to play Titan Quest last night, and that didn’t work so well. I just couldn’t get into it, so that didn’t last too long. I’m going to try and get some gaming in tonight, but I’m not sure how successful I will be. I am pretty tired, and that makes it harder. Especially with all the yawning. That doesn’t help.

Maybe I’ll track down something light to play tonight. Not sure what that might be, though. I could say some sort of Pokemon wouldn’t be too bad, but that might require a little too much thinking. Or maybe I’ll just take some time and maybe get my emulators set up, or some of those free games. Hell, some of those could be good to play for a little bit.

I just don’t know right now. I should probably get on that, though. Keep me busy until bed, or something.

I tried to look around for a better theme for the site, but I haven’t found one yet. I also want to look through the plugins and see what I can find that might be interesting.

Well, there’s not much else to say right now, and I seem to be having a problem with my typing right now, so this is the end. For now.

A Friday Morning.

That’s right.

It’s Friday morning. Really early. Well, really late for me. I’m not sleeping well, or at all, apparently. I want to, but I just can’t. I wish I knew why.

I haven’t done a whole lot the past couple of days. I have spent some time with Fallout 4, but besides that, I’ve mostly just been watching some wrestling.

I know, it’s not exciting, but it’s my life. Not sure if that’s good or bad.

Anyways, thought I’d give a quick update. Ciao.

An Early Wednesday Surprise

I’m not sure what that is, though.

At any rate, it’s been a slow day so far, but soon I plan on firing up a game. Mostly likely it will be Fallout 4. I’ve been expanding my arsenal, not just using my Flamer and Spray & Pray. I have a few new weapons that are actually from the base game that I’ve put some mods on. Not game mods, just mods for the weapons, in the game. Good stuff. I modified the Broadsider, an assault rifle, a gauss rifle that finally dropped for me, and it seems like something else, too. I haven’t really used them too much yet, but once I find some good targets, it will be a fun time.

Good stuff going on in Fallout. I’m still kinda wandering around doing random stuff right now. I’m working on collecting all the bobbleheads. I have, I think, two more to go and get. I think I may have mentioned that last night. After I get done with all that, I’m not sure what I’ll do next. I went through the main quest line far enough that the Brotherhood Of Steel has shown up. That’s pretty much it, though. Not sure what will be next. Maybe some Brotherhood quests, if I can get them to work. I got the quest to tune into the military frequency on the pip boy, but when I turn to that, it doesn’t do anything. There’s no audio, and it never advances the quest. I don’t know if I just need to be in the right spot or something.

So, I may do some of that, then probably head to Far Harbor finally. I haven’t even touched that yet. I know I’m going to have to grab the Vim! Power Armors and take them back home. Just for the collection. Not that I’m collecting Power Armors, just interesting ones. I mean, there’s a lot of power armor stuff that I’ve just left behind in various places. Maybe in the next game, which may be even more in-depth and longer than this one, even, I’ll do a proper Power Armor collection. Maybe. I’ve thought about it, at least.

Of course, the question is, when will I do another game after this one? That’s a good question. I’m not sure. It’s not like I’m on an achievement hunt, at least at this point. It’s kind of annoying that you can’t get achievements with mods installed. But I will live with that. For now, at least. Maybe someday I’ll remove all the mods and start working for achievements. Of course, the only game that I have them all in is New Vegas. And I would probably have them in Fallout 3, if the Steam version had that.

I will probably install a few more mods before I start another game. Not sure what I’m looking for, though. Maybe I’ll sort through the top rated mods on the Nexus and see what’s what.

As for the current game, I look forward to getting into Far Harbor and being friendly enough with the Children Of Atom that I can get the unique radium rifle from them. I can’t think of any other weapons that I really want right now. And I sold off all my extra ammo recently, so switching weapons could be a bit difficult in any case.

You know, with my now more advanced knowledge of FO4, and having a fair bit of experience under my belt, I should probably try out Survival difficulty at some point. I mean, I know that I run across enough food out there, and I am using fast travel. I can imagine that there would be more if you ran here, there and everywhere and then back again. Maybe. So maybe my next game will be on Survival. And it will make me cry a lot, probably.

I’m also interested in trying out the Frost mod, but to do that, I will probably take out all the other mods, just to make sure nothing conflicts and nothing weird happens. Not that I really think any of the mods that I have right now would conflict. I don’t have too many, and they all play nice right now, so I could see them still working. I don’t know.

So, I don’t really have much else to say at this moment. I could probably go on with more Fallout 4 chatter, if you want, but that’s probably good for now. Plus, I think it’s time to go and actually play for a bit. It sounds good to me.

Tuesday Mooday

Or maybe not.

So, I actually slept last night. That was kinda nice. I hope it happens again, but I am not going to hold my breath. Though, that might be a good way to get to sleep? Or at least pass out for a few minutes.

I wanted to do more today than I actually did, but the cats are unrelenting sometimes. I swear, I have had a cat in my lap for most of the day today. Keeps me from doing a lot of things. I think I may have mentioned it a while back, but I should plug my controller in, so that maybe I can do some game stuff while the cats laze about me.

I did play some Fallout 4 today. Just a few hours, though. I have almost all the bobbleheads. I think I only need two more, maybe three. Just have to figure out where to go to find the last ones. I mean, I know the names of the locations, just not where they are. Guess I will have to look it up if I can’t figure it out myself.

Not much else to talk about. It was mostly a quiet day. I can’t think of anything to add right now, really, so I guess I’ll end it at this point.

Monday Is A Funday

I think. Maybe. Well, probably not.

I didn’t do a whole lot earlier in the day. I mostly just kinda chilled and I watched some wrestling. Well, I’ve done that for much of the day today.

On top of that, I played Fallout 4 for a while today. Spent a few good hours on that. I also played a little bit of YouTuber’s Life. And Reigns. Just a little bit of that, though. Good stuff.

Not much else has gone on. I spent a good bit of time gaming today, and that pleases me. I hope I can do that again tomorrow. I probably won’t do much else tonight. Post this, and relax a bit. Watch some wrestling. Maybe find something to eat, because I am hungry.

I’m also a bit tired. Not tired as I was last night, that’s for sure. Though it’s still a bit early, so we shall see.

I think I’m going to end it here. I need to find something to eat. I am hungry as hell.