Fair warning, if you don’t want to hear(read) me bitch again, better turn back now.
I like streaming, I really do. It gets hard sometimes, though, when my audience is just Auren 99% of the time, though.
I want to be a successful streamer. Not necessarily the top dog, but successful.
Let’s talk about the top dog for a minute. He with his stupid hair and 13+ million followers on Twitch. Who straight up admits that he makes $500,000+ a month, at least, streaming. He who, it has been mentioned by both Kotaku and PC Gamer, was paid hundreds of thousands of dollars, up to a cool $1 million by a publisher to stream and tweet about their new game for like two days. What makes him so fucking special? I know…it’s nothing at all, really.
He’s not the only one, but he is, by far, the worst offender. Paid millions to play games? That’s fucking garbage. I’m struggling to get like, two viewers at a time, and people are just throwing money at this idiot.
I don’t have to be paid like a fucking superstar to be successful. And I suppose I shouldn’t begrudge him for cashing in, but I still don’t like it.
Here’s how things have gone for me. I wanted to play basketball in school. It didn’t work out at all. I wanted to have a good career in IT. It worked, barely, for a little while. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with who I thought was the one. That spectacularly failed, as a matter of fact, it’s fast approaching the time where I will have been alone for six years. I wanted to have a successful gaming community. It worked twice, but not for very long either time. I wanted to have friends and family. Almost no one speaks to me. I want to be a successful streamer. The odds of that happening are probably lower than being hit by a bus in the next 24 hours.
To be something like that, things would have to change drastically. First off, I would have to stream, and stream much more often. To be honest, that would be the easy part. Twitch isn’t too big on focusing on small streamers. Sure, in the Twitch Desktop app, there’s a little part on the front page highlighting smaller streamers. But, those people still generally have a viewer count in the dozens. A while back, I heard about a site that listed streamers that had like zero, one or two viewers, to try and get them exposure. Was I ever on there? I don’t know. It was supposedly automated, but I still wouldn’t know.
To be successful, I would have to have a lot more viewers than I do now. I am far from even being a Twitch Affiliate, much less a partner. I do have a link for donations, but I’m not so sure about that, really. The one streamer I pay attention to on a regular basis is a partner, and of course gets money from bits and subs, in addition to regular donations. Bits and subs are paid out every two or three months. Donations are more direct, but even he, who has been a Twitch Partner for over a year, doesn’t have a really big viewer count, and the donation goal that he sets every month is lower than what I would have to take in. And, while he usually hits that goal, it’s mostly because of like six people who have followed him for a long time and are very generous.
Why do I say that? Well, as you know, I’m on disability. I’m not sure how donations would apply, but I know that as someone on disability, you can still work and get your benefits. Of course, any money you bring in is evaluated by them, and deducted from your benefit. So, if you worked a job that paid you like $400 a month, they would take your monthly payout, and deduct $400 a month from it. At some point, you can make too much, which is a number well below your full benefit, and you will receive nothing from them. Of course, that would be devastating to someone like me. I would not only have to make the full amount of my disability from donations, but a bunch more than that, because I would have to pay taxes on that.
So, I would have three options: Never make any money at all from streaming, make so much that I can overcome both my lack of benefits and taxes, or commit tax fraud. On top of that, if I did make enough to overcome the payment and taxes, because I wouldn’t have disability anymore, I would lose my Medicare.
I’ve thought about this a few times, and have spent a good deal of time today thinking about it. And I’m not happy. It really sucks to say, but to be quite honest, my best course of action is to give up on the one dream I have left, not stream, and just be miserable. Happy and successful people say to follow your dreams. They have never had their dreams, even one of them, crushed under the boot of life, and left to die a horrible death. I have tried to follow my dreams, and every time I just get crushed and broken.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t have much left.
Maybe brighter days are ahead, but I sincerely fucking doubt it.