Am I at the disco?

I’m doing it again. Or still, I suppose. I’m not playing games. It bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Actually, right now, I’m struggling hard with it. I can feel myself wanting to cry over it. I can feel a full blown panic attack coming on tonight over it. And there’s nothing that I can do about that. I just have to let it happen, and that sucks. My heart rate is up, my heart is beating harder. I’m all scatterbrained. My breathing is all messed up. I’m in panic attack mode. This sucks. 


The worst part, is that I don’t even have anti-anxiety meds. Not that I really mention that I need them, but I mean, it’s been well diagnosed that I have an anxiety disorder. You’d think that would be a good indication that I need help in that regard, but I don’t think my clinician is very good at her job. Not much I can really do about that, either. 


Anyways, back to this gaming thing. I know that I’ve talked about it before, but I’ve still not figured it out. I don’t know if it’s depression. I don’t know if it’s anxiety. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t feel like I deserve it, since I don’t do much around the house. I don’t know if it’s an effort thing. I don’t know if it’s not wanting to get too involved in something. I don’t know if it’s just laziness. I just don’t know. It could be a combination of factors. And it bothers me, like I said. I really want to play more games. I mean, I have hundreds upon hundreds of them. It would be nice to get some of them knocked out. Or maybe it would be nice to knock myself out. Something like that, at any rate. It’s not like I don’t still love games, and it’s not like I don’t want to play them. I just…there’s something that blocks me from doing that most times. I just wish I knew what that was. Okay, I know that sometimes there’s a cat in my lap, which makes it harder, but I could use the controller during those times. I mean, a lot of games have controller compatibility. There’s also the 3DS. I want to spend more time with the Pokemon TCG, and maybe start Pokemon Blue at some point. 


There’s other stuff that I want to do as well. Like multiplayer games. Cable and I don’t do much of that. His work schedule makes that hard sometimes. He also says he’s not good at games, so there’s a lot of games that he doesn’t want to play. Of course, there’s a lot of games that we don’t both have copies of, so that kinda limits things a bit. I also want to work on some of the TCG’s that we have. I have a lot of various games, not to mention a lot of Magic: The Gathering cards and a metric fuckton of Pokemon cards. We also have some board games that need cracked open. Like, the Warcraft board game, the Doom board game, and the World Of Warcraft board game. Those are the ones we really want to get into at some point. Also, I want to pick up a copy of Mage Knight someday. I suppose I would end up with the expansions for that at some point as well, but one step at a time, of course. Hell, I’m sure there are other board games that I would like to play, too. 


Now if only I could get myself to do some of this stuff. Hell, some of this stuff could be done in single player, I would just have to do it. I wish I knew why all this was so hard. 


It’s starting to get late. Well, not too late for me. There’s still about an hour and a half until I go to bed, and I don’t know what I’m going to spend the evening doing. I would like to do some game playing, of course, but I don’t know if I’m even physically up for it right now. And at any rate, I’m not sure what I would want to play. I don’t know if I would want to get into something kinda big, like Grim Dawn. Maybe I’ll find something smaller to play, if I play anything, that is. I haven’t figured that one out yet. Hell, I am feeling a bit worn out, but panic attacks will tend to do that. I could even lay down in bed, and play with the 3DS for a bit. It’s an idea. 


Well, I think I’m done for now. I’m going to go try and calm down, though I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do that yet.