Well, that didn’t quite happen like I wanted it to. I did a tiny bit of gaming, but not much. Not as much as I would have liked, of course. I did have a pretty good Father’s Day visit with Cable’s brother, though, so it wasn’t all bad.
Anyways, I have this neighbor who for some reason, every night, is slamming and banging on the wall from like 10:30 to like 2:30 in the morning. I’m sick of it. It drives me crazy. I banged on the wall back tonight, but I ended up banging too hard and put a hole in the wall. Fucking wonderful. Now I have to go to Menards and get something to fix it with. I suppose that’s not a horribly big deal, but it’s aggrivating. And it didn’t even help. I did call tonight and left a message with the office concerning their banging, but we’ll see if anything changes. I’m gonna guess not. I’m also going to guess that this whole thing is going to bite me in the ass somehow.
Which sucks. I have plans for the second half of the year, a couple big, a few small. But for some reason tonight, I just can’t shake the feeling that everything that I want to do is going to get all messed up. It’s driving me crazy. I hate nights like this. I just can’t get away from these thoughts. What really sucks is that for at least one of my plans, things have to go well for pretty much the rest of the year. I really want that to happen, but with my luck, things will probably get all fucked up, and I’ll end up upset and depressed(more so) during the holidays. One plan that I have kinda laid out, I’m kinda waiting for Cable’s opinion before I really kick that into high gear.
I know it’s dumb to just sit here and worry, but I really can’t help it. And it paralyzes me. I think that’s part of the problem when I try to play games. I start thinking about other stuff, and I get paralyzed, then I just settle on watching wrestling, because it’s easier. I hate that. I hate my brain. I hate all sorts of things. Gah!
Sometimes I wonder if it might help if I had different meds, but I can barely afford the cheap ones that I have right now. If I ask for something else, they’ll want to put me on newer stuff that’s more expensive, and I can’t deal with that. Not right now. So, I continue to struggle on day to day this way. And I can’t get back in therapy. Well, I suppose I could, but as I’m sure I’ve said before, the therapy at the place I go to is complete garbage. And I can’t afford to pay for the sessions anyways. And I definitely can’t afford to go somewhere else with real therapy.
Anyways, I’ve had a bad night, and I can’t help but feel that the bad times are going to keep coming. I could really use a drink or four right now.